My December was riddled with stress, pretty intense physical problems, and a level of depression that’s hard to put into words. I barely limped across the finish line. Every hour was hard. A fleeting moment of happiness would end in tears, seemingly for no reason at all. Almost every time I was alone (and sometimes when I wasn’t alone) for an entire week, I cried. I have not felt that level of darkness before and I pray I never do again. Every single social interaction (apart from a few days with family) was forced, faked, or skipped altogether.
I know these things are sort of “one day at a time” things but I’ve had several good days in a row and I couldn’t be more thankful. I finally want to see people and do things again, and I don’t want to lay face down on my bed all day long. Coming out of this hole feels beautiful and amazing. For the past few days, I keep catching myself smiling at the sun waking me up in the morning. I don’t think I’ve ever smiled at anything that woke me up in the morning. I can breathe and laugh and mean it.
Basically I am telling you this because depression is the worst. It sucks life out of every moment. But God gives life and if I didn’t yell that truth at the top of my lungs at the end of the past month, I would be a fool. I am so thankful for a God who pulls me up and out when I desperately need it. The verse that got me through my second darkest hour is fresh on my heart. For when I am weak, he is strong.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
-2 Corinthians 12:9