Kids Say the Darndest Things – Guest Post

When my friend Lillian introduces me to people, they say, “Oh! The Steph from Facebook!” and I get really awkward. We have a mostly comedic relationship, when I think about it, and our Facebook relationship is proof of that. Lillian is one of the best friends I have ever had, and I believe one of the best I ever will have. She is famous ’round here for pretty much all of the non-cell phone pictures, and she’s famous on Facebook for having some of the funniest kids ever. So as a breath of fresh air after all our emotional mother’s day posts, here’s Lillian with some comedic relief.

Thanks to Steph for inviting me to guest post on her blog…I am a photographer, and not a writer, so words are more of my second expressive language. That being said…I am a mom. I (somewhat guiltily?) did not have any trouble getting pregnant, and after birthing our first daughter in late 2004, we had a full family of 3 kids by 2007. Yes. Bam bam bam. It was intentional, and I knew that if I didn’t keep having babies while others were in diapers, if I stopped, I wouldn’t go back. I love having the kids so close together, but I can’t say it isn’t without it’s (many, many) challenges. 

I am not a mom who tries to pretend that being a mom is my “only joy” in life. Though it IS (usually) a joy, because of the way my body and mind are wired, being maternal and dealing with three different emotional creatures at all times is very tiring on my body. Scheduling soccer games at two fields for three kids, sometimes all at once? I can do that. Two someones crying because the each of the other was mean to them, and someone else is simultaneously trying to organize my freezer? (actual event that just happened) Wears. Me. Out.

One of the most fascinating things about motherhood (or parenting in general, for that matter) to me is how there can be these three people that came from the same parents, living in the same household, born within MONTHS of each other, and they are totally different. TOTALLY. Have I mentioned totally?

Let’s meet the key players.

sadieSadie. Sadie is currently 8 years old. She is the epitome of first born female. She is good at everything. Literally. Everything. She is athletic, smart, a helper, a leader. She is type A, and loves to clean and organize. She is responsible and mature, practical and original. She has always worn outfits layered with colors and patterns, and they always look amazing. She is her own self, and has much confidence in herself. I hope this never changes.

jacksonJackson. Jackson is 7. He is passionate. About anything he decides to be passionate about. Whatever he is, he is all-in. He is brilliant, and a very logical thinker. He does not love to clean…but he loves to sort things. He loves to sing, and loves to hug. He loves to  be outside, though sports are not his strong suit. Team spirit, however? He is a champ. He is in love with love already, somehow, and when middle school rolls around, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for heartbreak after heartbreak. (his)
amilieThen there is Amilie. Amilie is 5. She is all of 5. She is…words cannot capture. She looks different than the other two. They are blonde haired and fair. She has brown hair and darker skin. I have definitely been asked if she has a different dad. Nope. Just collected different genes. She is spunky, and girly. She loves to wear skirts, and the “spinnier” the better. She can get what she wants from who she wants, and when she wants it. I am afraid. Very afraid. Of the suiters that will come calling for this one. She is also in love with love, and the one who talks about God the most.

So that is each of them individually. This is them collectively. (completely on their own)
funny kids 401936_10151614684516605_1389957380_nThese three can make for much hilarity in our home. One way that I record their quips for posterity (ok, the ONLY way…) is through facebook. I am no good at writing things in a baby book (though I have terrific handwriting), so this gives me a way to look back and see the things they have said. I have combed through years of these quotes and tried to grab some for you to savor. And basically, the point of this meandering blog is to  share those things with you…A look inside our home…inside the humor of parenting.

On Prayers and God…

Amilie(4)’s deep thought of the morning: “Everyone has cheeks. except God.”

Amilie (5): “Mom, why didn’t God write any hello kitty songs?”

Me: “who is saying prayer for lunch?” 
J(4): “Me. Dear God, thank you for this day, and please help Sadie go to school every day. Amen.” 
S(5): “I want to say a prayer.” 
Me: “Remember that God really likes it when we pray kind prayers.” 
S: “Nevermind.”

General Funniness 

A (3): “I got a booboo on my finger ankle.” (knuckle)

When Sadie (6) made her christmas list, one of the things she asked for was “glue in a bottle.” 
Proof that if you deprive your kids of basic things, they’ll think they are really special.

I merely suggested that we may want to think about choosing some toys to get rid of, since we are most likely getting new toys for Christmas, and we sure don’t have room for all toys that exist. 
Sadie (6) went and got a bag and has started trying to convince the other two of items we need to get rid of.
Jackson (4) RAN to find all of his toys to hide them.

Few 7 year olds would be as excited as Sadie just was to discover the hook on the cabinet under the sink for hanging a dishrag. “All RIGHT!! GREAT idea!!”
There may have been a fist pump.

Sadie’s (7) teacher calls right after school starts: “There has been an explosion of orange juice from Sadie’s lunch. She needs new shorts.”
Me: “Is she upset?”
Ms. D: “No. She just shrugged and said, ‘It has been QUITE a morning.'”
Well that’s the truth.

Me: “Amilie, what happened to that worm you were playing with?”
Amilie (4): “I killed it because it peed on me.”

Sadie (7) had an assignment at school that asked what she would ask a fairy godmother for. She said she would wish for a green olive pizza.
Me: “You wouldn’t wish for like, diamonds, or money, or a beautiful dress?”
Sadie: “Well, i mean, if i was making a wish when i was, like, super hungry, which I usually am.”

The kids have now tried turkish delight…basically a “celebrity dessert” to them, since they have heard so much about it from Edmund. 
Amilie (4) hates it. Sadie (7) likes it a lot.
Jackson (6) says he loves it enough to go with the white witch for it.

J’s (6) hw assignment was to see how many jumping jacks he could do in a minute. it should have been to see how many he could do before skanking. 2.

Playing school. Sadie (7) is very tolerant of Amilie (4), to whom she is teaching the a b c’s. She has already threatened to send Jax (5) out of the class 3 times in 2 minutes.

Me: “So in the Olympics, if you get first, you get a gold medal, second place, silver medal. Third…”
Jax (6): “bras?”

Sadie (8): “how does reflective paint reflect?”
Me: “I am not exactly sure.”
Sadie, nodding slowly, “science.”

The other day Amilie (5) was trying to think of somewhere super far away, and “Antafrica” was the most superlative distance she could come up with.

Jax (6), after adding a vest and a tie to his outfit: “How do my toppings look?”

Overheard While Playing

S (7): “Amilie, this castle we are drawing needs double doors.”
A (4): Why do they need DOUBLE doors?”
S: “Well, because it is a castle…and they are rich…”
A: “Ohhhhh, cause they have to have double doors so they can carry all their money in?”
S: *sigh*

Sadie (7): Amilie, pretend you are a well-trained horse.
A (4): pretend it takes two years for me to become a well-trained horse.
A:now pretend two years have gone by and now I am a well-trained horse.

Getting ready for a friend’s birthday party…grooming is becoming a something at our house…
Jackson (7): “can I shave real quick before we go?”
Amilie (5) (with water slicking her hair down on top of her head…with water on her eyebrows): “Jackson, have you fancied up your eyebrows?”

Jax (6), eating purple grapes that he has peeled the skin off of: “I am eating green grapes.”
Amilie (4): “No…they’re purple.”
Jax: “It’s not about what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
Sorry, bro, not applicable in all situations.

Jax (7): “One day I want to see Mount Rushmore.”
Amilie (5): “One day I want to see a rock with 62 princesses carved into it.”

A (4): “Pretend I am a princess dog, and when I eat, i take off my clothes.”
J (6): “Pretend I say, ‘kibble?’, and you say that you only want meatloaf.”
A: “No, pretend I only want cat food. And I eat out of a hat.”

And finally, On Me.

Jax (5, on Valentine’s Day, when we were going on a date together): “if I am going to take you on a date, you are going to have to dress up more. And it must be red.”
I have no red. sorry to disappoint.

Jax (6): “Amilie, want to help me make mama a picture for her birthday?”
Amilie (4): “Nah, I wanted to get her something she would actually like.”

Before bed prayers:
Jackson (7): “That the [neighbor boy] wouldn’t get beat up on the bus anymore.”
Amilie (5): (in a whisper so he wouldn’t hear) “That Jackson would find a 4-leaf clover” (the VERY desire of his heart)
Sadie (8): “…that mama would get enough sleep and not be grouchy tomorrow.”

Jax (6) told me this morning that if I ever die, he will eat poisonous mushrooms so he can die too.

One kid, to me: “You are a mean wicked witch!”
Another kid, defending my honor: “No she isn’t! SHE IS THE KINDEST UNICORN!!”


3 thoughts on “Kids Say the Darndest Things – Guest Post

  1. I LOVE this!! But one of my favorites got left off the list and I think it bears mentioning…
    Amilie (very little) was mad at Lillian and trying to come up with something very mean to say to her… “You’re tooooo little!!! You’re just a little girl!” Obviously, the worst thing you could have said to Amilie at that age. I feel her pain – I was the baby in our family too.

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