The Exclusive Club – Guest Post

My dear friend, Kim, has a great story to tell, and I wanted to be sure to ask her to share it with you all this Mother’s Day. I know the hard road of infertility she is traveling, and am so beyond excited to share in her joy now. Thanks so much for sharing, Kim!

About three and a half years ago the Lord made me a mother. My husband and I were so surprised to find out we were expecting! However, at 11 weeks, we lost our sweet baby. Our pregnancy at that time had been one of those ‘werent trying, but weren’t exactly not trying’ type of things, so we both were relieved when I did get pregnant because it had been a few months and no surprises. That pregnancy seemed to give confirmation that everything seemed to appear in working order. We grieved for our sweet angel baby, and began trying again shortly after. But nothing happened. Month after month, nothing happened. I became confused, angry, sad, and scared.

Something happens when you first hear the words ‘infertile’. To me it meant ‘impossible’. We kept praying & trying. Then one Sunday at church, we went up forward to the alter to ask for prayers of physical healing for our infertility. After the worship ended, our pastor announced it was adoption Sunday and there would be an expo and everyone was encouraged to ‘check it out.’ My husband looked at me, and we both knew we were going. It was life changing and that day the Lord revealed to me His plans for me and my future family. We began the adoption process the following week.

Starting the adoption process was exciting, but at the same time it was draining. I was so excited and over-eager to grow my family. The days went by and nothing happened. I was still not a mother. Now at this point I just didn’t get it. What was God doing up there?? Why was I receiving all these mixed signals?? Pregnant, not-pregnant, infertile, adoption…What was going on? Then one night, after dealing with days of late-night crying fits, my husband sat down next to me on the couch, held my hand and said to me ‘I need to say something, and this is probably going to be a long conversation… but I think you are depressed. I’m worried. We have to figure this out.’ I knew at that time I wasn’t clinically depressed, but I did know I was in a bad place and my heart was not right with the Lord. I think from the day my pregnancy ended, I began defining myself by motherhood. I was failing because I couldn’t produce children. Because I didn’t have a little person running around calling me ‘momma’ I was worthless and utterly useless. These were all lies I was letting the enemy feed me. I couldn’t see that I am a daughter of THE King! The success of my life is not determined by kids, and I owed it to my future children to not draw my joy and hope solely in them. I have had to learn to not make children idols in my life.

Two weeks ago my husband and I received that long awaited phone call announcing we were parents. Two days later, we got an email containing the first images we would see of our son. The Lord is faithful and keeps His promises! We are still traveling down this long twisted road to parenthood- one that I am sure will continue with more tears. But, unfortunately the Lord never promised easy. He never promised a smooth ride. What He did promise is eternity and ever-lasting love. He promised us Hope! He promised to walk this journey with us!

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Mother’s Day is a celebratory event for an exclusive club I have been begging to get into year after year. But by God’s grace it isn’t an idol upon which my happiness hinges anymore. This year God has made me an adoptive mamma with a baby overseas! A baby that was already being formed on that morning my husband and I dragged our broken hearts to the alter and prayed for healing! He was already creating my family and I had no idea! One of my favorite lines is from my favorite book* and is “Don’t ever doubt
in the dark what God has promised to you in the light.” The storms we face are inevitable, and our plans often lie in ruin at our feet. But our God is a Healer, and He makes beauty out of ashes!

*Dancing on my Ashes by Heather Gillion & Holly Snell

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