When Hoping Hurts

The months of infertility that are the hardest, hands down, are the months I hope the most. Those are the months that my brain is telling me to kill the idea of pregnancy, but it winds its way into my heart and takes root. I begin to hope deeper and deeper. I think about telling my friends, my parents, my husband. Imagine the looks on their faces, the tears all around, and the hugs. So much hugging. Then when a test is negative (if I even allow myself to get as far as taking a test) or my period comes, leaving me empty and broken, I curse myself for getting my hopes up again. “You did this to yourself.” “You should have known.”Of course it’s negative.”

It is an engrossing, hollowing pain that makes me regret every bit of hope I allowed myself to feel. I don’t have a silver-lining to this post tonight; just a heavy heart and a desire to be honest.


The Whole Story and a Letter to A

So the last time I posted here, you had the beginning of our Little A story, and I’m here again to tell you the middle and the end already.

After sleeping 2 1/2 hours the night we got in from New Orleans, A woke up crying, saying she missed her mom. So I read a couple of books to her and asked her questions about her stuffed bear, trying to distract her from being scared and sad in a new place. Our day started very early and it was full from that moment on. We played play-do and dolls, we colored and went to the park, we stopped by Target to pick up a few things and we went out to lunch. While we were at the park, the case manager gave us a call and said A’s dad was coming in from out of town to get her and our job was done.

Less than 24 hours after we got the first call to bring her in, she was already out of our care. We were not expecting that, to say the least. I did tell my mom, as we were driving back to TN from LA that my gut feeling was that A wouldn’t be staying with us for very long, but I definitely didn’t expect it to only be 18 hours.

A few people have asked how I’m feeling about the whole thing, and to be very honest, I’m not really feeling much about it. I was SO excited to get the first call and I basically didn’t shut up about it the entire 8 hour drive back to Nashville (sorry mom!). But I think God did a big thing for me by arranging things how He did. I was so extremely exhausted by the emotional roller-coaster of vacation, call, excitement, no sleep, foster-mama, releasing A that I didn’t really have time to FEEL much of anything. We had a good day with her. She was fun and kind and very smart. We enjoyed ourselves and then she went on to live somewhere else. That’s sort of the whole thing.

Talking to the case-worker when we dropped A back off, she mentioned that a lot of placements will be similar to this, that we will be a place for them to stay for a small period of time while family members are being contacted or coming in from out of town, and then they’ll be off. Seems like maybe they would have mentioned that to us earlier, but I’m glad we were able to be here for the time we were needed. letter to A

Little A

What I thought was going to be a 2 week vacation turned into a 1 week vacation, and here’s why: there’s a 6 year old girl sleeping in my house.

At 6:00pm, my mom and I were driving into New Orleans on our way toward Gulf Shores to see my grandparents and the beach. I got a call from DCS asking if we’d be willing to take a 6 year old girl in to our home.

And my mind did one of these: WHAT?! Uh… well… I’m 9 hours away. So… ? And then I called Dave and he was all, “Your call. I don’t want to ruin your vacation.” Ha! Right. And my mom, being so very much herself, said, “well let’s head to Nashville!”

And so we did. Or, we are. We just crossed the Tennessee state line on our way back. Dave and A (as we’ll refer to her online for her protection) are asleep at home.

Around 11pm she got there, and Dave signed paperwork and introduced her to our home. She asked him to read her a book before bed, so he did. And then my heart exploded.

In about an hour, I’ll be sneaking quietly into my home that is changing right this very minute, and try to peek into her room quietly. HER ROOM that is living up to its purpose FINALLY after 4 years of our waiting and praying. And I will try so hard to sleep for a few hours so I can wake up and meet my sweet little A. Welcome little one.

New Orleans or Bust

Tomorrow morning I’m hitting the road with my mom and one of my little sisters to good ol’ New Orleans! This is how cool my mom is: about a year ago (maybe?) I mentioned that I have really been wanting to visit New Orleans. I haven’t been since I was old enough to remember anything about it, so I decided that it was the next place I wanted to explore. So my mama, in true mama-fashion said, “hey, do you want to go to New Orleans with me?” Yeah. Yeah I do. She turns 50 this year and it’s my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary, so we’ve declared 2013 her Party Year. Lucky me, because I get in on some of her parties!

So in honor of my upcoming trip to New Orleans, I’m having a huge Buffalo Mae sale. 40% off any purchase of $20 or more. Use the code NEWORLEANSORBUST for your discount. Happy shopping friends!

vintage shop coupon code

Holly Hobbie

When I was a girl, my grandparents had a Holly Hobbie board game that was my mama’s when she was younger. I loved that game. But not to play. I just flipped through the cards and admired their cuteness.

Then I grew up and my cuteness-admiring got so out of control that I started a shop called Buffalo Mae. All we do is sell cute. And when I am out buying things for my shop, I also occasionally find things I need to keep. Like anything Holly Hobbie related. I’ve started a collection. The first piece was a gift from my friend Lillian. The rest, Lillian and I have discovered on our thrifting adventures. 20130307-205549.jpg20130307-205608.jpg