So, it’s been about 2 years, but that sneaky depression thing snuck up on me again. I’d say it’s been a solid month, maybe two, of me thinking, “I’m probably just tired” or “well, I had a bad day, but that’s ok, I’ll be fine tomorrow” and “ok, fine. you can have one day of funk, but please don’t stay like this, self. Pick yourself up.” And then depression is all, “naaaah, I think I’ll stick around for a bit” with her sassy self all up in my business.
This year’s bout of the funk has been especially hard on me. I used to deal with it by sleeping a whole lot and eating a whole lot, and doing everything I could do to not think about my problems. Which isn’t good, but it’s at least comfortable. This year, however, I’ve started NOT sleeping (hence me writing this blog post at 1am), skipping meals or only eating small portions of food (for example, the 5 bites of soup I had for dinner last night), and thinking ALL DAY EVERY DAY about all the things in my life that are making me anxious. Both of those solutions are equally helpful. In that they’re not.
I looked up symptoms of depression on webmd because this is what the wandering mind does at midnight when they just want to wallow for a moment. Signs of clinical depression according to webmd:
- difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions
- fatigue and decreased energy
- feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness
- feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
- insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- irritability, restlessness
- loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable
- overeating or appetite loss
- persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
- thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
To give you a good example of how depression is more than just feeling sad (which is what a lot of people think it is) this is what happens to me sometimes when the funk starts:
Dave: (with all the faith that I’m a great wife and a smart lady) Steph, can you please remember to do this thing later?
Me: (I’m going to forget to do this, and then I’m going to be embarrassed and everyone is going to be disappointed in me and think I’m stupid) Yeah, totally. I’ll remember to take care of that thing that’s on the coffee table.
Dave 3 days later: (still thinking I’m a great wife and a smart lady) Did you do that thing?
Me 3 days later: Oh… right… that thing… I was supposed to remember. It’s still sitting on the coffee table. But, I meant to do it. (See, self? I told you this was going to happen. Now nobody likes you because you’re not good at anything.)
Dave later that day: (seeing my spiral of funk and knowing how I function) I’m thankful for you. I really like you.
Me: *cry cry cry*
So that’s cool. In that it’s not.
I’m trying to just work the heck through it, you know? Trying to not use depression as a crutch or an excuse. I’m trying to remind myself every day that I am blessed and I am thankful… that I’m not worthless or empty.
But that sassy depression lady sure is messing with me. If you know someone dealing with depression (which is so popular this time of year) give them a big hug. Tell them they’re cool. Or smart. Or good wives, or whatever. They probably won’t believe you, and they’ll probably want to cry, but it’s still a nice thing to do.