Over the past few months, I’ve been in an emotional rough patch with infertility. I haven’t been talking about it much because I don’t want to overwhelm people with it and I really am doing great otherwise. But I’ve had so many people come forward who are dealing with similar things, that I feel like it’s important that I be open about it.
The last time I talked about fertility issues on the blog, I said I was getting ready to start Clomid, a fertility medication. But, at my appointment to discuss it, my doctor decided to have me wait a few months so she could do more blood work in the meantime. However, since I am without health insurance, I probably won’t be going in for blood work any time soon. So I’m back to the, “why the heck does this have to be so difficult?” feelings and the “I’m done trying. Maybe someone will just give me a baby” thoughts and the “really? THAT person can have 5 kids she can’t take care of and I can have zero? Really?” meanness that I am so quick to fall in to.
It’s a pretty constant rotation of anger, sadness, judgement, frustration, and trying to pull myself back up. And man, it is wearing me out. There’s this one thing I’ve been wanting for at least 5 years. I think about it several times a day, every day. Even on my good days, that’s a lot of reminders of my disappointment and lack.
So I’m trying to be thankful instead. It is so very hard sometimes. But this is the time of the year we try to be especially thankful, and I’m going to try to do that too – thankful that I have a mom that will be angry with me when I want someone to throw a fit with, thankful that I’ve got friends who will let me cry to them, thankful for a husband who is forever patient with my mood swings and my desires, and thankful that God chose me to fight this battle for a good reason and that He knows I am capable of handling this pain with His help. For whatever reason (I hope I someday understand) I have been selected to be a woman who wants little more than to be a mother and nurture a child, and I have been selected to get stronger,wiser, and more vulnerable first. I have been surrounded by people who understand or try to understand, and for that I’m thankful as well.
Romans 5:3-5 from The Message “There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!”