Newness

This past winter I was offered a job that I really wanted. The work I would have been doing was interesting to me, used some of the things I’m really good at, and would have grown me in areas in which I really want to grow. It honestly seemed like a dream job.

But I couldn’t accept the position. For lots of reasons really, but mainly because I was being stubborn and not following through with what God wanted for me. I kept telling him “no thanks” when He tried to grow me up. Specifically I was holding on to a lot of bitterness and hate toward my current job. A LOT of bitterness and hate.

So many days on my drive in to work I’d literally sob. I’d think about how much I hated my job and get more and more frustrated. I stopped being friendly, I stopped doing work I was proud of, I stopped caring about the people I worked with and fell into a selfish spiral of pity. My boss and I didn’t get along. At my best, I am patient and forgiving. With my boss, I had no patience and no forgiveness. I was being a child, holding on to resentment and blame. I wasn’t happy here, and I thought it was his fault.

So I held on to that. I held on to that for three years. Three very difficult years. Though some of the issues were definitely “not my fault” I wasn’t being gracious. I wasn’t forgiving and I wasn’t doing what God wanted me to do. So a few months ago, I finally owned my side of the problem. I saw my bitterness for what it was. I saw the way I was holding grudges and how much room I had to grow, and I wrote a letter to my boss. I asked him to forgive my attitude and I confessed my bitterness. I am probably the least confrontational person you know; I can almost guarantee that, so writing a letter of confrontation made me want to curl up and die. I was ashamed and scared of what would come.

For some insane reason, I was surprised when doing what God tells believers to do in Galatians 6 worked and things between my boss and I got better. Much better. So much better that the things I thought were “all his fault” became nonissues and things I realized were all my fault disappeared. I was free in a way I hadn’t been free in three entire years.

And then, out of nowhere, Mrs. Dream Job showed up again even better than the original offer. The timing was perfect, the offer was perfect, I was elated. I accepted the position, and I’ll be starting at FYK Group at the end of this month. I tried SO MANY TIMES to escape the job I have now. I wanted to run fast and far from that place. I dreamed up the mean things I would say as I walked out of the door. It was ugly. But because I had asked for forgiveness and I had forgiven, that’s all gone. I’m leaving this job with grace. I’m walking out of here on Friday sad to leave life-long friends, better than when I started, and encouraged by the walk ahead of me.

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