It’s only 20 days until my trip to Haiti, and I’m super nervous. I can’t quite put my finger on what is making me nervous, but I have guesses.
I think the fact that Dave will not be going with me this year is scary. I could come back to our room at night and cry and say, “this is really hard. This is so so hard,” like I can’t do without him there. The idea that this year (so far) I don’t have any injuries to keep me from doing manual labor for a week in hot and humid weather is certainly scary. I’m nervous that I’ll have a broken heart every time I see a little kid, knowing that there are many years between now and my option for adopting from Haiti. I know that feeling and I don’t particularly care for it. I’m nervous about the finances of covering what doesn’t get donated, not knowing what exactly we’ll be doing while we’re in Haiti, and the reality that I’m one of two adults on this trip and 10 awesome teenagers will be expecting me to be a good leader. As of late, I’m worried about people thinking that what I’m going to do is “poverty tourism” which I understand and don’t understand at the same time. I’m not sure how to deal with that whole thing yet, and I’m not sure I ever will, but it’s something else to add to the “am I doing this right?” list that is forced onto Christians.
But the thing I keep thinking about that’s making me the most nervous is the idea that maybe Haiti won’t change my life again. What if I get there, do the work, meet cool people, leave, and that’s it? What if I get in the plane headed back to the US and don’t feel like I’ve hit a pivot point in my life? What if the dirt on my shoes is just dirt and isn’t a reminder of faces I’ll never forget or situations that broke me.
So the past couple of weeks have been filled with worry about the trip and doubt that I’m enough. I’m working on the whole “do not fear” thing that happens to be pretty popular in the Bible. So if you’d like to say a prayer for me, I wouldn’t mind.